Single Guy’s Game Night Rules for Parents of Small Children

“Aw, isn’t widdle puddin’ head so cute when he cries / slobbers / shoves dice up his nose / etc.?”

No! Your “widdle puddin’ head” is noisy, messy, destructive, and distracting. Yes, children are wonderful miracles; but they can also be little curses sometimes.

I have a theory. I think that some parents of small children, having spent so much time around their little ones, have become desensitized to just how annoying their children can be to the general public.

As a single guy, I am, of course, an expert on relationships and parenting. So, today, I offer valuable child-rearing advice to parents who are board gamers. As an added bonus, many of these rules also apply to parenting in general.

Yes, yes. You’re welcome.

1. Not everybody loves your baby. Your child is not a darling who can do no wrong.
2. No matter how much you ooh and ahh, no matter how much you call it “sugar,” it is still baby spit; and it doesn’t belong on me or my stuff. The same thing goes for your dog’s saliva.
3. Children aged 1 minute to 4 years do not belong at game night, nor do children who have not learned to consistently obey simple commands such as “sit still” and “be quiet.”
4. If you have to ask if your child is bothering someone, always assume the answer is “yes” because most of the time it is. When people say “no,” they are usually just being polite.
5. If your child is misbehaving, go to him and take care of the problem yourself. Do not shout at him across the room. Do not ask your spouse who is currently taking a turn to deal with the child. Get off your backside and deal with the problem yourself.
6. Do not take your child to the potty until after you have finished your turn.
7. Do not allow your child to have a beverage near the game table. Do not allow your child near the game table – period.
8. Do not allow your child near the stack of games beside the game table.
9. Do not use someone else’s game as a toy, pacifier, or snack for your child.

.end.