Big Hairline News

I was standing in the hallway waiting for the elevator at the conference I was attending when I noticed the Headline News “Big Headline News” feature on the TV in the hallway. It wasn’t bad news about a new terrorist attack or political coup. It wasn’t good news about a successful organ transplant or reunited family members. It was non-news. It was about Justin Bieber’s new stinking haircut! With all that’s going on in the world, our professional news media apparently believe that the haircut of one teenager merits “Big Headline” status. Hairline? Yes. Headline? NO!


I’ve got nothing against Justin Bieber, except that his music seems to have a hip hop or R&B flavor to it. (I hate hip hop and R&B.) I’ve even forgiven him for being Canadian. He seems like a nice guy. He has a good voice, and his new haircut works. Good for him! But, is it major news?


I think it’s time to clean up the gene pool, so to speak, of the news media establishment. We’re not going to get good, reliable news as long as they keep producing more reporters who gab about haircuts and Hollywood nuts rather than real news.

Maybe we should add a new hunting season to our game and wildlife agencies’ lists. I think we should have open season on media hacks during election seasons; during Hollywood and music awards; and as needed during hurricanes, floods, earthquakes, tsunamis, celebrity crime sprees, and all those other times when they just won’t shut up!

Don’t worry. I’m not completely merciless. Why, we could begin with simple, entertaining public beatings. Pack up a picnic lunch and take the ol’ family out to the weekly “Smack-a-Hack Public Beating and Family Fair.” If that doesn’t improve media quality, then we could switch to waterboarding and other humane methods before finally putting them down. I mean, they are people after all.

Beatings for better blurbs? Yes, that sounds like good news to me!

[In the event that some reporter does get beaten to a bloody and possibly lifeless pulp, let it be known that this author is not condoning real and satisfying physical violence against those who report worthless news.

No matter how much they deserve it.]


Published in: on 2011/02/22 at 6:47 pm  Leave a Comment  
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